Today is a good day and do you know why? because i say so!

got heaps to do today and my energy is zapped and i can't even have a coffee or a energy drink because of my anxiety, but hey i will be dragging my butt along the floor today getting what i need done out the way, well any way on the up side it is Friday :) the day every one looks forward to, taking my kids out Sunday but i can feel anxiety coming from the thought.

challenges are there for us.... so they say lol, but a challenge or two is good for anyone, set a side your problems and go complete a challenge, it may be big or small but it all counts to that? that? erm what the bloody hell does it count to? i will have to come back on that one, but hey what ever it is do your best to thrive and do what you want to do :) and don't forget to smile while doing it :)

its been a bumpy ride the past few years and i have got to learn that never to mess around with your mind or try to alter it, i think that what we carry around in our head, that organ called the brain is absolutely remarkably powerful, i think nothing on this earth can amount to its power, but its contained, contained in our heads through billions of neurotransmitter paths all working at a blink of an eye every second of the day/night, 24-7 i guess we are bless with a feel for knowledge.

my day is at -1, yes its is now late Autumn and the first frosts have lade down once again this year, i need warmer clothes, any donations ill do just fine :P lol, well i will try my best to evaluate my day as best as i can and will report back with an update on how i got on :)

have a safe and lovely day :)

My CBD experience with solving my anxiety.....so far so good! 

A lonely old self who needs a friend!

Friends? i wish i had friends,,, popular? not really.
i wish i had the confidence to walk up to some one and make friends, to be that friend that everyone talks about in a good way!
i don't want to go though many years of hassle and nonsense due to the lack of loyalty of fake friends.

i want to have a phone with a phone book that is full, friends that i can trust and rely on when I'm in need of a bit of help?

but no i have none of that not even one friend that i can say that they are into being my friend and wanting to know me, i wish i could have a conversation to another instead of typing away on here.

to all who have friends?,,, i want you to be loyal to them, care about them and enjoy them! friends are hard to come by when you haven't the confidence to get out there or you have such conditions that hold you back etc.

hope all is well to who ever reads this, be well, and stay well!

Me and My own Bubble

Me? Me as in me like outer body me? or the me that is underneath? the sings are there for all to see!, but it takes one to know one, many, well i say most people struggle to see the signs of ones last hope to cast upon another? say a silent plea for help, a plea that is undetected by the illness, and when i say undetected i mean "the illness is clever, like its intelligent! first it strips down your humanity "YOU! then it takes away your freedom, then last of all it takes away your energy so its left with a defenceless mind to run a mock inside, run havoc with ones fears until it crumbles you up into tiny pieces.

a safe haven? well a safe haven to me "quote, with my type of mental illnesses is a place that is for me and me only, a place lets say a room, a room with a window and covering the windows are blinds and covering the blinds is a good old pair of black out curtains, in that room that is all mine is a nice sized TV, with Internet access so i can watch films or listen to relaxing music etc, also a comfy bed with a heavy quilt and deep soft pillows "just for my neck tension", it mite sound odd to some but to one side of the room running along one of the walls will be a settee "sofa" so i can relax on and listen to amazon prime audio books "kindle  etc, in full view must be a fish tank of some sort with mesmerising fish to watch, but the most important thing is a door! a door that locks the world out!
Things pile up! and boy they do! imagine a person with his arms out, fingers clamped tight in an orderly fashion slightly cupped, the first bunch of news papers fall into the arms? yes this is quite manageable, second bunch of news papers fall into the unfazed arms, a mind starts to doubt if it can keep up this weight for much longer, so there it begins! as you can imagine what the rest of that comparison would end up?

The world? yes its a busy place, but i see it as its only busy to a certain scope or view, zoom out a bit? well just imagine that you can fly to space and your on the ground? your looking out of the window of the rocket and you see people cars trucks all rushing around? all systems go! as your going up, further up into the clouds you starts to see that rush disappear, it gets that small it seems like it was never there, now that you have gone way out into space you turn? you look back at the earth and see a ball, perfectly round in its shape, a blue that is a colour that would never be matched, and all that movement and rush has gone? like it was never there. the energy of the earth is to view on its surface and in its atmosphere, this is how i compare my illness, you may be standing in front of me but you would never know

Hence "Me and my Bubble

Famous People With Serious Mental Disorders

35 Funny Photos Taken At The Right Moment Time Funny Videos 2016 Whatsapp

 



I uploaded this to here as its a good distraction, makes you laugh when your feeling down,

Relaxing is a luxury!..

Good old Relaxing, taking it easy just doing nothings well i have forgot what that is like? i have forgot how to relax, i spend most of my days just living a a fast pace, if its not on the inside the majority of it is moving at a fast pace inside, some days i will consist of 300miles of pacing up and down my house,

the lights go out and everyone gets sleepy but me? I'm ready to wake up, my body mysteriously finds some energy? I'm sure it has some sort of a reserve tank that activates when it knows I'm about to hit the hay!?
i start to search for something to do as i know its going to be a long nite, i turn to a novel that i am writing, i sit at my small desk, old in fact,with marks along the edges and front, names are inscribed on the desk, i saw it at a jumble sale at a school one day and wanted it. a small lamp shines down in a circle of light that is just enough for me to see,
the house is quiet, the hum of the fish tank is sounding its soft hum from room to room, the sound of my dogs sleeping keeps the silence occupied,

i here the odd car travel past, 2.20am, the tyres as they rest on the surface of the road make that familiar noise which is a comfort that I'm not alone in the night,

4 am, the sky is starting to present a blue tint to the darkness, a sign that the new day is coming, the uplift through out the day pushes the energy of life up that bit more than it was yesterday, the birds start to wake, flock by flock, louder and louder they chirp and sing, my eyes are starting to role my lips feel weak,the lack of energy is hitting me, the reassurance of the arrival of the new day has allowed my energy levels to deplete, the fear go to sleep, the level of reassurance has been met,

relax, my head is on the pillow, but it does not sink, tossing from cheek to cheek, no bloody sleep, the day has started in the home where i live, so there is no chance that i will relax

the end....

Its Sunday morning, 7.03am and everyone is still sleeping, the mumble of my daughters TV from her room stops the silence from over powering me, stops the thoughts that drive me crazy when all goes quiet.

i put the storage heater on, a shiver rolls down my body, me two dogs are sleeping ether side of me, chop the boxer is snoring, its quite funny in fact, the laptop is in front of me and I'm typing away to blogger, i suppose to distract me, stop my mind wondering off.

i will share with you my doggies :) s

Chop sleeping with his tongue out 

                                                            storm is sleeping to :)

The fuzz

The fuzz? the fuzz that takes your mind away, takes the conversation between 2 people, the annoying fuzz that distracts you from reality from a friendship, family etc, i quote emptiness of ones body and ones mind comes to thought a subject that is manifested in greed of the twisted mind of a manic illness that rages fear in ones body, the tremor that vibrates the body from a cry for help for the nervous system, acting as a blanket fear is wrapped around me, a tightness of ones chest each breath is like lifting a car with your lungs, a lump that is dry at the back of my throat, it makes me gag when i swallow, the voice in my head tells me a twisted thought followed by an image of a fragment of false reality parted together from thousands of past memories, clouded like fog, mist, the fuzz.

I try and pull my self together, trying to concentrate on a conversation, analysing each word in my head, distraction from the little guy inside, as i go over a word or two that little guy i quote grabs that thought of that word and chews it up like its a peace of food, that each word is a peace of food and he is eating them all up, Blank mind and a sole full of dread misery and fear, 

I seek the knowledge of this little guy that is behind the Fuzz, i seek his powers, his power to control my inner system of my brain, he has the ability to ruin my day, my life, takes me away from loved ones and friends, takes me away from my self, and the life we see in front of us is seen in fragments of a billion images per second, picking out all the wrongs and rights, judging and assessing, the enjoyment of life has more or less slipped away.

 that little guy and that fuzz

Its good while it lasts

i laugh, laugh at these games my mind plays, in charge dishing out demands and my life, consuming me into a role of brute and torment, the chances of a good stretch are slim, they seem to last but then out of the blue it comes, the dredged frame of mind, the mind that scares me, i fear it.

sweat roles down my forehead when the thought of that mind comes to mind, a sped up pace of heart rate and shortness of breath, a lonely corner in my home gets the great of my empty stare from time to time, the crazed thoughts bounce off of the inners of my head, driving me mad.

if you could see the speed of my mind? the speed that reminds one of the fast forwarding a movie people, voices,images all moving at a high rate and never seem to slow or stop.

the time i get when it finally slows and everything good comes back i finally "again have the last laugh, i know my mind has the power still inside to bring me back, back from the manic the crazed episodes of my life that brings me down, lower than low, sad with out anyone to have the power to comfort me,

i feel sad that this has happened, happening to me i feel low what my mind has put me through, has it made me stronger? from parts that i haven't talked about yet? yes but in other things i can say no! maybe one day i can smile and live in comfort, in my mind, in my life.

thanks again for reading, following, its a bumpy ride but on the way i shall find some happiness.

Hello guys, hope your all OK? its been a while since i have sat down with the laptop and done some blogging.

Well what can i say? my head is starting to go AWOL again, i think its because the winter is coming? i think i have developed the condition called SAD "seasonal anxiety disorder a fear of winter :(
to justify my happiness to my depression is at no option, i feel really down at the moment but no one knows it as they cant see it in my face, but when i look in the mirror i can tell,

my eating is gone way out the window, my body can't tolerate bloody anything, i have to watch what i eat as it makes me feel like crap, Wheat!!!! Milk!!!! Cheese!!! and Chocolate!!! and anything Dairy so basically i cant eat anything, its driving me mad as i want to eat what my family eats what everyone else eats!

My mood is edgy but in a crazy way, its rage that's trapped inside, that is boiling inside but on the outside you cant tell, my bi-polar is up and down, one day I'm OK the next I'm a mute just very quiet and dull then the next I'm at i cant be bothered attitude, i just wish that i can be a normal person that doesn't change moods like the weather,

My interests and Hobbies are inactive? "where the hell are they? I'm a 30yr old man who used to like getting oily with bikes and cars and even boats! but i sit at home just watching a film o just staring into space? i wish i could get back into it! My OCD is driving me crazy? crazy as in when a child is kicking your chair when your on a long flight constantly! i would like to know how my brain can think it can tell me stupid things involving my ocd! like no no you cant do that a its to yuk to touch or i cant do that you have no interest? if my brain? me? turned to hobbies maybe it would distract me from my ocd? my depression my bi-polar my anxiety even my ptsd? its strange to me why my mind doesn't choose the distraction as that would be the better idea instead of making me go through crap all the time.

Blogger :) my little place that i can come to! its like a wall that listens? i can get it all out on what ever is going on in my head on  what ever day i blog, i shall see you again in a day or two to update this conversation.

thanks for reading :)

Support Mental Health: https://www.gofundme.com/2ejc4v7cPlease make a D...

Support Mental Health: https://www.gofundme.com/2ejc4v7c

Please make a D...: https://www.gofundme.com/2ejc4v7c Please make a Donation, i need to raise money for the mental health charities and to continue with what ...

Living life on the edge with out the adrenaline!

Living life on the edge with out the adrenaline rush, always stuck in a frame of mind of wanting to push my self to that place, the place that my mind wants me to be, haunting me with its voices, calling my name, calling me to that place, willpower or what ever you want to call it is making me hold on by a thin thread and that thin thread is called life, i always look to find new ideas on how to want to be in life or ideas that will keep me occupied to keep me away from that bad place, the place i call hell, stuck in a frame of mind to push it to the edge, take it to its limits.

I say a prayer once or twice every week, keeping the faith that it will bring me hope and strength to continue, to be a good person, not to stay away from the world, i always do a good deep like hold a door open for the elderly or put mu litter in a bin, even help a poor animal that is in danger, but is there any one out there to help me? to keep me warm and dry, ease my crazy mind? i still to that day search for that, some times the world is a cold place to live on, people moving from place to place at a face rate, everyone has a place to be or people to see, but the ones that are struggling get left behind, like we don't pull our weight in society that we are a pain, a heavy weight that the government has to drag round, that we are useless to there aim.

i wonder if i will take a step away from all this live my life on the edge stuff, not caring about my self, not bothering with me, i just don't know, some time i don't know what to think or even if there is a decent thought left in my mind?

well now i have wrote another part to my story, my life its time to go away from here for another day and cry, cry out my emotions that has been forced to the surface because i have expressed my feelings. i will end that on a good note that i had a chance at another day, a chance to blog which is what i love doing, i hope you find me eccentric, unique to others.

the end.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ejc4v7c

Please make a Donation, i need to raise money for the mental health charities and to continue with what i do for mental illness my charity is based in the uk and here is the link to the page, http://www.mind.org.uk/ i aim to raise £9.500, and £500 for my self to get better treatment as i am now on the last resort my last cry for help, from the bottom of my heart i thank you dearly. much love!

Love your self, be all you can be, never give up, be strong, be willing , be able, be the king or queen, be happy with how you look, be happy with what you own, never fear anything never be a quitter, never back down, never show others your weak, never think your failing, work hard, be humble, be anything you want to be, be the dream, live live with no regrets, no looking back.

A Feeling of doubt

I doubt my self at least 50 times a day? i wonder if i am good enough for me? my self?
I look at others while I'm surrounded by friends, wondering what they are thinking, wondering if there normal inside there small but vast minds? 
I see the traffic at a stand still with people inside there metal boxes, trapped in frustration a road that is blocked by other metal boxes, at the very front is the problem that is the cause of the jam. 

i wonder if i will get better and remove the problem in front of the jam, the jam that is my problems. i conversate with my self with questions going back and forth, some pointless but some that have meaning, i go in and out of conversation on the out side to the inside, back and forth wasting my time, the time that i have been given, 

Am i a pointless excuse of a human being that walks the earth, thinking of pointless thoughts and acting upon them in a silly way, a way that my body reacts to, puts me through, some times i wonder why i am i here, what i need to do but the thought comes to mind that i am here to suffer mentally, a challenge to survive.

my head is a complex system that is designed to put me through hell, every  day of the week, torment and pain, tears and grief, i carry round a broken brain, a brain that is dis functional to life, from my self, crazy comes to mind, but other minds say that I'm not crazy but how can a normal mind think that I'm not crazy, i think that is a lie, a lie tailored to make me feel and think that I'm normal, fictional thoughts that seem real, a crazy realm that mocks me, mimics me and makes fun of me, a bully comes to mind.

the end.

This just about sums up depression

Depressed.

I feel so down and ever so low, maybe one day my mind will show, show the destruction that is with in, some one save me, my mind is broke my mind is hell, owe why can't it shut up, please be quiet is all i ask, instead it runs a mock like a bull in a shop, when will it end? when will it stop? am i really loosing the plot? you see me smile but only for you, the tears that flood are deep with in, it burns my chest and burns my throat, a feeling trapped that's deep inside.

Feelings so close that sit with in, an feeling of doubt that i cannot win, please mind please work with me, but only against me is why i never win, i shout and scream and shout so loud, get out of my head but it never hears what i have said, a mind with no ears call me a mute, a man with no voice is what i think, a man who doesn't feel like a man, a  man that is impowered by depression, mental illness, i doubt in my self and a doubt in my future, i pray them my self can heal, be free from this cloud over my head, i'm so upset from the words that i have said.

Anxiety is back again

Just as i thought i was getting my life back on track "stupid ANXIETY" strikes back once again, i have had a busy two days and haven't really sat down, i have been taking lessons to get my bike license and today i passed, jumping up relief? NO! yesterday my bike decided to brake on me, gearbox problems "a small washer" and i said that sarcastically as that all it was, but anyway, i have been flat out all day yesterday to try get it fixed, but i ran out of time, i ended up working on it until 3.30 in the morning and i had to be up at 6.45am to head to the test centre, i had to drag my self out of bed, anyways i got there withe the biggest head ache in history, i sat in the waiting room, the room was filled with sunlight and i had summer clothes on, the instructor came and got me and talked over what he was going to do today and while i had my head ache, dropping in and out of concentration, the sun decided to take a small holiday, and the cloud/ heavy rain came, well there was me getting rather wet at this point, as we set out on the road it was horribly cold and wet, i was shaking like i don't know what, with an angry face inside my helmet, i just wanted to go home, 5 hours in total, i could feel the anxiety starting from the moment i woke up, i didn't think that it would affect me, i basically panicked from the moment i woke up.

I thought as i had a nice 3-4 weeks away from my "best friend" Anxiety that i was getting better, But again i was wrong, it has kicked my up the back side and now I'm on the floor.
I wish i could beat this, i wish so so much that my metal illness would go away and never come back.
Every time i try and work to a new goal Anxiety comes and robs me of it and it keeps me sitting in the corner,

The grounding technique isn't working as i have grounded that much i think i am apart of the bloody ground, tips are no longer working and it feels like my body is shot! my Anxiety medication to be honest i think is false hope, a synthetic nothing,
i know that its me that can only truly help but even that isn't working, i so really want my life back.
I wonder if EBay sell a "new life"? i just want me back! the old me, the out going hard working me.

thanks for reading my days of hope that turns into full blown body manic, i just needed some one to talk to.

Looking in the mirror and seeing no one

I look in the mirror and i see an empty stare, glare from the protruding sun light that is flickering on my face from the trees out side, i look deep into my eyes and see someone who i cannot recognise, i put trust in my self to know who i am but that fails, it fails to let me know, it fails to let me see.

I sit on the edge of my bed trying to see that i am staring at my face but when i stare a little harder my face vanishes from sight, i pinch my face but feel no pain, i scream the loudest i can shout but hear no voice, i wonder if I'm even here? do i exist? i have no answer to my question, my fear of being taken away from life has risen to the fullest a fear of not living,

i walk to the window and see people walking past with the summer breeze blowing there hair, they feel the reality that blows by, the reality that the earth is in control, carrying us through this evolution of progress, i take a step back and see my self as a reflection on the pain of glass a silhouette that is slightly fuzzy, i run my hand down the glass to the shape of my face, a touch that i cannot feel, but can only see.

A thought of not wanting to be alive is amongst me as i cannot break the chains that hold me back, that keep me down, an explosion on rage, like an animal in a cage going from wall to wall, corner to corner, i turn around and fall to my knees begging for freedom from this hell that i live the hell that separates me from life, the hell that separates me from me.

I look high and low for willpower, but frustration is getting the better of me, a change of mind a change of plan, functionality that has turned to dysfunctional, a nightmare that i will never wake from. pain that i carry, dragging it around like a ball and chain, unable to snap out of it, in desperation i seek for help, a permanent fix that will get me to live.

Fear on the inside

Fear i fear of the fear inside, inside a fake reality that was never there, coping with what i have manifested, what i have created, i am my own creator, a fake world of memories and images that fly past like concord once did, a perfect reliable thing that never failed, but in the end it crashed, exploded into a huge problem that left scars that will never heal, i try to figure out what was once happy, happy thoughts of good memories that turned into a world of pain, loved ones turned into fear, fear that i would loose them, me missing the point of life that i supposed to never take it for granted, make the most of it while i'm here, i saw my self crying in a world of pain that i was stuck in, with out care that life was in front of me all along, i feared everything that was natural, like it was a threat.

The inside of me was trying to come out to live in reality, trying to live, trying to survive, a shadow of my reality lingered in front of me trying to talk back, i reached for his had but was unable to grasp.
A crying state of manic me being the cause of it, trying to stay in a state of positive worlds, unable to find the goal, the aim, missing the point like missing a loved one that had passed.

Now i look for the answers on the web, but it was all the same, people writing the same as me, shouting out for help, but the world we live in hasn't progressed in the help that should be to offer.
I fear the medicine i take as i know the synthetic based chemicals are changing my state of mind, I fear the big man in his chair presuming my symptoms, me just walking away with another box of meds, me the guniepig of reality of science me the test subject, the trial and error man. mostly its the error i fear as the error of ones actions have ruined my life, taken over like a rain cloud.

I fear the fear that i feel, fear the days end, fear a new day. Fear has taken over my life, with out my control it has taken over me.

The End

Pregabalin Addiction 

The trust i put in my doctor is an understatement, my views of his way of keeping me in his best interests was great, meds after meds i felt like a pill popping machine, masked by synthetics feeling like i could take on the world, stand on the highest peak and shake the ground with my voice, my thoughts about the doctor became clear, medicine companies employ the doctors and he never had me in my best interests.

February 6th 2016

Pregabalin came to my hands "a wonder drug; or so i though, nothing but hell after the first two months, now i find my self living in a world of miss belief a fake world of imagination that is nothing but manic, a maniac is what he has made, now i find my self eating them like they are going out of fashion, a full strip over a 1000mg, they don't work but my body needs them so i feed its addiction, a feeling that i am trapped in this relic of mystery a place of euphoria, a wonder drug they say!?

I miss a dose and feel sick, my anxiety plagues me daily, because of Pregabalin, i hate my doctor i hate him with a passion. I want to be free of this drug free from the doctor. i listen to people praying this med like it is a life saver, a way out from the pain, its not and i laugh, calculate your dosage and the duration it will last "work, by the time you build up that intolerance it will be a dosage change, to a higher state of loopyness feeling bloated, sick and in more pain and anxiety than you started off with, my eyes burn, me hearing and eye sight has gone.

August 20th 2016,

My life is ruined, fully abusing these meds because i have got to that point where i have no control
over it, when my body needs them i have to keep taking them until the pain is gone, the messed up stomach and the feeling of huge rage, my life id ruined, i see my doctor and he tells the lies, the lies that they are helping me, this makes me even more angry.
my heart feels like its about to give up, my liver hurts to a point that you cannot even touch my skin,
i have no willpower to kick the habit, my life is over run with synthetics and i want my life back!

never trust a doctor, doctors have ruined my life, pregabalin has ruined my life!

The End

Symptoms of bipolar disorder 

Bipolar disorder is characterised by extreme mood swings. These can range from extreme highs (mania) to extreme lows (depression).

Episodes of mania and depression often last for several weeks or months.

Depression

• feeling sad, hopeless or irritable most of the time
• lacking energy
• difficulty concentrating and remembering things
• loss of interest in everyday activities
• feelings of emptiness or worthlessness
• feelings of guilt and despair
• feeling pessimistic about everything
• self-doubt
• being delusional, having hallucinations and disturbed or illogical thinking
• lack of appetite
• difficulty sleeping
• waking up early
• suicidal thoughts

Mania

The manic phase of bipolar disorder may include:

• feeling very happy, elated or overjoyed
• talking very quickly
• feeling full of energy
• feeling self-important
• feeling full of great new ideas and having important plans
• being easily distracted
• being easily irritated or agitated
• being delusional, having hallucinations and disturbed or illogical thinking
• not feeling like sleeping
• not eating
• doing things that often have disastrous consequences – such as spending large sums of money on expensive and sometimes unaffordable items
• making decisions or saying things that are out of character and that others see as being risky or harmful

Patterns of depression and mania

If you have bipolar disorder, you may have episodes of depression more regularly than episodes of mania, or vice versa.

Between episodes of depression and mania, you may sometimes have periods where you have a "normal" mood.

The patterns aren't always the same and some people may experience:

• rapid cycling – where a person with bipolar disorder repeatedly swings from a high to low phase quickly without having a "normal" period in between
• mixed state – where a person with bipolar disorder experiences symptoms of depression and mania together; for example, overactivity with a depressed mood

Living with bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder is a condition of extremes. A person with the condition may be unaware they're in the manic phase.

After the episode is over, they may be shocked at their behaviour. However, at the time, they may believe other people are being negative or unhelpful.

Some people with bipolar disorder have more frequent and severe episodes than others. The extreme nature of the condition means staying in a job may be difficult and relationships may become strained. There's also an increased risk of suicide.

During episodes of mania and depression, someone with bipolar disorder may experience strange sensations, such as seeing, hearing or smelling things that aren't there (hallucinations).

They may also believe things that seem irrational to other people (delusions). These types of symptoms are known as psychosis or a psychotic episode.

He's still there!

The little guy? I know he is there, kicking around in my mind, kicking rocks because i wont come and play. i can here him sobbing over and over calling my name out as he gets further into his own payback. Me on the out side is getting by, trying to live life, my self is trying not to give it away, the slight fragment of such ideas of the little guy knowing I'm still struggling is turning into fear, fear of him knowing I'm trying rather than doing. 

i wake up to get washed and dressed as quick as i can to occupy my self before he wakes, he try's to talk in a kind grammar, a manner that try's to woo me in, entice me to his ways. maybe he is getting lonely in there, all alone? Wait what am i thinking? maybe this is a game that he has put together for me to fall for? fall for his ways to get me to bow at his knees, maybe i have figured out his plan.

I carry on with my day with slight frustration of him being there, some where, i search the cupboards for something to eat, something to fill my stomach, i yawn out loud with a slight laugh, laughing at my self because? because maybe i am enjoying life. the bigger picture of me being involved is more clear, a warm feeling in my chest, i pray to God to keep my strength up, to keep my willpower to not fall to the little guy, i know God is on my side, while i fill a bowl up with cereal i look at each peace and i wonder, i wonder how many peaces that would be contained inside my mind, i laugh to my self?I don't think i have a big enough bowl, a calm feeling is floating by, i see it like it is my own that descended from my mind through my chest, an array of wonderfulness, my smile grows ever larger. 

After my breakfast i saw my self running, so i decided to follow my thought? my idea? i put my trainers on to go outside, i reach for the door lock and my heart races, fear is upon me but i continue anyway. the sun is just above the housed across the street a bright orange colour with the sight freshness of the due that still lingered in the air, the birds where already busy, busy with there day collecting worms to take back for there young.I smile and suck up the feeling of being alive, while my heat still beats fast, humble but on the edge of anxiety, fear from being taken away from live for so long,this is something that i have to get used to, something that i have to learn again.

I walk as far as my legs will take me, on my travels i see many faces, some smile, some frown and some just look away, i wonder what they are thinking,i wonder if they have a little guy? a little guy that is like mine, a nasty little man that plays games when ever he pleased? i pray they don't i pray that no one does, suffering is more than a word to me! 

I look around and wonder where i am, i walked so far that i have got lost, a new place that i have never seen, it kind of feels a bit like me, a new state of mind? fear of where i was was growing, my comfort zone getting squashed, the uneasy feeling of not being able to stay calm and focused is at breaking point, i need to find my way back, as i walk further from where i stopped i stop again and take a look back, i compare it to where i landed in my mind, my state of manic " the little guy, i turn back round and walk but with a feeling of security that i can do this on my own, a happy cry that wants to break out of me to tell the world. 

I find my street and see my house. my legs trying to carry me, shaking and tired. i see my door, with my house number, but I'm scared to enter, the memories of what was, illness of a manic mind, the four walls i lived in for so long. i run to the front door with my fists clenched, i beat my palms on the window with a tear rolling down my cheek, the memories will haunt me forever.

The End 

Rejection, a comparison 

You were rejected today by someone you had hoped would become a friend, and that has hurt you. Some people would become entirely defensive in such a situation and think nothing more than, "What a B*tch!", but I’m glad to see that you are more thoughtful than that. Sure, you’re upset, but you are also trying to take a lesson from what has occurred, and to understand it from perspectives that are broader than your own. That is a sign of growing maturity, I think, and something to be proud of.

This is the third time that someone you care about (or would like to care about) has rejected you. You’ve noted that there are characteristics in common that these people who have rejected you share. You write that they are all "Type A" people, which is another way of saying that they are hard-driving, ambitious and sometimes hostile, impatient people. You also note that "Sam" accused you of trying to use her as a crutch, and it seems that this is also a pattern. You are not being rejected because you are ugly, or like the wrong music. You are being rejected (you think) because you are coming across as too needy and dependent, and these people don’t want to deal with that neediness.

You know why you are needy. You’ve sustained a terrible loss with the death of your dad; one that knocks many people on their ass no matter how old they are. People react differently to grief situations. Some people wallow in it, while others push it away and try to contain it and separate themselves from it (to describe the extremes of how people typically cope). I’m guessing that you lean towards the wallow side of the spectrum, while your "Type A" sister is more of a container and a distancer. These are style differences that occur because of how different people feel comfortable or not with feeling extreme emotions. Some people cannot tolerate them (at least when the tone of the emotion is hopelessness such as is the case with regard to grief). Other people are good with feeling them, not because they feel good, but because they feel meaningful. What may be happening here is that people are pushing you away, not because you are leaning on them too much, but because their own tolerance for discussing the emotional things on your mind is far less than your own. That is a positive but reasonable way to look at the situation. Another which is also reasonable but less positive is that you may actually be failing to respect reciprocity expectation and monopolizing conversations with these people, and they are rejecting you because you are actually coming across as too demanding or intense in comparison with the average person. I don’t know which characterization is more accurate, and both might be true at the same time, too.

I think it reasonable that you examine your interactions with people, specifically looking for how well you balance the topics you want to talk about with the topics that your partners want to talk about, and also whether there is a conflict between the level of emotional depth you want to talk about vs. the level of emotional depth that your partners want to talk about. If interactions seem one-sided or not balanced, then this rejection you’re facing may be a socially reasonable response, but you have the ability to alter your behavior to balance things out better, and that will make rejection less likely to occur in the future. If your interactions balance out more or less, then what you may be looking at is a particular set of people whose emotional coping style and comfort level is simply incompatible with your own, and these people will not likely make good friends for you anyway. In this case, you’ll want to seek out other people who are more on the "wallow" side of things as friends as they will better understand where you are coming from.

People sometimes resist the idea that they should censor what they share with the people around them, because, they think there isn’t anything wrong with "speaking honestly about things the way they are". This sort of attitude doesn’t get people very far, however, because the social reality is that people who are not selective about who they share emotional and personal information with can alienate others by not being sensitive to those other people’s needs, or lack of interest. Since you are a thoughtful person as well as a grieving person, I don’t think that this is probably what is happening, but it is worth thinking about and adjusting how you are coming across if it is the case.

You will never please everyone around you. Instead, what is reasonable to shoot for is to find people with whom you are compatible and focus your attention there, being careful to attend to the needs of those you become friendly with so as not to overload them at any given moment. When other people inevitably reject you from time to time for reasons that are more about their own needs than your behavior, then understanding what is happening can help you not take it too personally.

Depression is more than simply feeling unhappy or fed up for a few days.

We all go through spells of feeling down, but when you're depressed you feel persistently sad for weeks or months, rather than just a few days.

Some people still think that depression is trivial and not a genuine health condition. They're wrong. Depression is a real illness with real symptoms, and it's not a sign of weakness or something you can "snap out of" by "pulling yourself together".

The good news is that with the right treatment and support, most people can make a full recovery.

How to tell if you have depression

Depression affects people in different ways and can cause a wide variety of symptoms.

They range from lasting feelings of sadness and hopelessness, to losing interest in the things you used to enjoy and feeling very tearful. Many people with depression also have symptoms of anxiety.

There can be physical symptoms too, such as feeling constantly tired, sleeping badly, having no appetite or sex drive, and complaining of various aches and pains.

The severity of the symptoms can vary. At its mildest, you may simply feel persistently low in spirit (read about low mood), while at its most severe depression can make you feel suicidal and that life is no longer worth living.

TEN FUNDAMENTAL TRUTHS ABOUT PTSD:  

Fundamental Truth #1:  PTSD, like diabetes, cancer and heart disease, affects millions of people.   PTSD is often perceived as a condition experienced by male combat soldiers.  In truth, it is NOT confined to males, to the combat experience, or even to soldiers.  Some research indicates that up to 50% of the American population  have sustained at least one traumatic experience in their life, and up to 20% of the population at large may experience symptoms of traumatic stress and/or PTSD.  Of these, the single largest affected population is female… predominantly victims of rape and sexual assault (which affects approximately one out of every 2.5 females in this country).  Other sufferers include victims of crime, natural disasters, domestic violence, physical and verbal abuse, traumatic accidents, vehicle crashes, burns, and a host of other life-threatening incidents.  Life-threatening illnesses, or medical conditions which subject an individual to a loss of function and a state of helplessness or loss of control, may also initiate PTSD.   The illness affects not only adults, but millions of emotionally, sexually and physically abused children each year.  Current estimates for service members vary widely, and place the incidence of PTSD among warriors at between 20-50%, depending upon the type of unit and service one is engaged in, and type of traumatic exposure.  

Fundamental truth #2: PTSD Does Not Make You Crazy.   If PTSD affects that many people, from such a broad range of backgrounds, one may well say to oneself, "They can't all be crazy."  And you would be right.  PTSD is a disorder of anxiety.  It is NOT a personality disorder, or a psychotic disorder.  Not only does PTSDnot make you crazy, it does not make you "irrational", nor does it destroy your underlying competence as a human being.  Something that often makes people feel "crazy" occurs when their PTSD appears to come out of "nowhere."  This "coming out of nowhere" may be the way the illness FEELS, but it is not actually the way the illness WORKS.  PTSD always comes from SOMEWHERE.  However, the triggering or initiating event may occur months or even years before symptoms occur.  As a result, the person doesn't make the connection between a past traumatic event and the onset of their illness.  Not recogizing its cause, it may feel as though it came from "nowhere", when that is not actually true.  It is NOT true that PTSD must develop within 3 months of an event, and that if it does not then it will not develop at all.  That is a serious misunderstanding that many people hear and mistakenly believe. 

Fundamental truth #3:  PTSD Is A Real, Medical Disorder That Has A Biological Basis.  It is true that, to some extent, our society has gone too far in its efforts to assign a biological cause for everything that ails mankind.  In the case of PTSD, however, exactly the opposite happened.  The biological was ignored. The mental health professionals who first evolved a clinical "definition" of PTSD (known as "diagnostic criteria") came out of a very long tradition dating back to the 19th century, in which all mental disorders were described, and defined, solely in terms of behaviors which were observed.  At the time that the definition of PTSD was created, the scientific and medical knowledge of its underlying physical cause was not available in the form it is today.  As a result, the old "behavioral" definition persisted and was not corrected.  As a result, millions of PTSD sufferers have had to live with shame about their "bad behavior", and never knew that, IN FACT,  they actually have a bona fide medical illness.   PTSD is not just "in their heads", nor it is solely in their behavior.  PTSD has a biological root, which leads to secondary behavioral side effects.

Fundamental truth #4:  PTSD May Be Thought Of As Post Traumatic Survival Disorder:  The underlying biological roots of PTSD are found in a complex system of stress reactions that are not only innate to all human beings (as well as many animals), but that are designed to protect a person's capacity to survive.  This is the way nature intends to protect us, and is not cause for shame.  Ordinarily, nature's method for coping with extreme or threatening stressors simply does its job, and we return to a normalized, balanced state, called homeostasis.  If, however, the threat is too severe, or continues to recur, there is no opportunity for the body to return to the balance point.  Instead, the human being may become "stuck" in  "survival mode".  The brain becomes so accustomed to the presence of a traumatic threat or stressor, that the survival response becomes habituated in the brain and central nervous system.  The person cannot "downshift" out of survival mode, the perception of extreme danger becomes a chronic habit,  and the PTSD sufferer continues to live as though danger were ever-present even when it has long passed.

Fundamental truth #5: Not All Survivors Of Traumatic Experience Develop PTSD. It is true that many people survive traumas without suffering from PTSD.  Some of the factors that account for this are: (l) how soon they are rescued and brought to proper care and safety, (2) how quickly they are restored to a position of control in life, (3) how well connected they are to safe and supportive relationships, (4) how much they are in touch with their own inner spiritual existence and the meaning of their life, (5) how much opportunity their brains and bodies have to "rest and recoup" before being re-exposed to another traumatic event, (6) how developmentally complete is their early life upbringing, and (7) how much self confidence they have regarding their ability to manage and cope with life challenges, even though they cannot entirely control them.

Please see this website for the conclusion to this article, containing Fundamental Truths #6-10 about PTSD, and read about this topic in "I Always Sit With My Back To The Wall".

Symptoms of anxiety

Anxiety can have both psychological and physical symptoms. Psychological symptoms can include:

• feeling worried or uneasy a lot of the time
• having difficulty sleeping, which makes you feel tired
• not being able to concentrate
• being irritable
• being extra alert
• feeling on edge or not being able to relax
• needing frequent reassurance from other people
• feeling tearful

When you’re feeling anxious or stressed, your body releases stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. These cause the physical symptoms of anxiety, such as an increased heart rate and increased sweating.

Physical symptoms can include:

• a pounding heartbeat
• breathing faster
• palpitations (an irregular heartbeat)
• feeling sick
• chest pains
• headaches
• sweating
• loss of appetite
• feeling faint
• needing the toilet more frequently
• "butterflies" in your tummy

How to Tell Your Nervous Thoughts Are Out of Control

What makes anxiety frustrating at first is that many people do not know they have it. Their nervous thoughts feel completely normal. When someone develops anxiety, they may notice that they find more and more things to inspire feelings of nervousness. Yet to them, these are genuinely anxiety-producing stimuli.

Usually physical symptoms are the first sign that you have developed an anxiety disorder. When your nervousness tends to cause:

• Rapid heartbeat
• Severe muscle tension
• Weakness
• Nausea or feelings of illness

These are often a sign that your anxiety is getting worse. Furthermore, those with anxiety often have thoughts that cascade to worst case scenarios. They cannot control a nervous thought themselves, and may even have flashes of worst-case-scenario thinking that no one can talk them out of.

It's this unprompted, potentially out of control nervousness that indicates something is wrong with your coping ability. If this nervousness is paired with physical anxiety symptoms, it is an even greater indicator that you may be suffering from a very real anxiety problem.

How to Cure Anxiety Nausea

In the case of nausea from anxiety, the nausea itself isn't dangerous and unlikely to be indicative of a health problem. Instead, to control your nausea, you need to control your anxiety. Chances are your body is experiencing a great deal of stress from your daily, persistent anxiety.

Several strategies for fighting anxiety include:

• Jogging Jogging is a powerful tool for fighting anxiety. It tires your muscles, which relax the amount of stress that your muscles put on digestion, and it releases endorphins: "feel good" neurotransmitters that improve mood. It also regulates hormones and depletes adrenaline, which can help control anxiety.
• Herbal Supplements You cannot and should not take any medication without a doctor's supervision. Herbal supplements provide a natural alternative to many prescription medications, and may be free of side effects. For adults, Valerian root, Passionflower, and Kava may be effective. For children or pregnant women, it's best to talk with a doctor/nutritionist.
• Deep Breathing Deep breathing is one of several stress reduction techniques that are effective for controlling current stress. Deep breathing involves taking slow, controlled breaths in order to get your heart and mind under control. One method is to sit in a chair and breathe in slowly through your nose for 5 seconds (filling your stomach first), holding for 4 seconds, and then breathing out through pursed lips slowly (7 seconds is ideal). Repeat 10 times. Other relaxation techniques include progressive muscle relaxation and visualization.
• Light and Healthy Eating Your nutrition doesn't necessarily effect your anxiety nausea. But it can affect the severity of the nausea. Heavy, fattening, unhealthy meals tend to lead to more nausea than healthy meals. However, make sure you eat. An empty stomach can lead to more nausea than a full stomach when you suffer from anxiety.
• Drink Water Like healthy eating, water can help keep your body nourished without any ingredients that exacerbate your upset stomach. In addition, it's not uncommon for dehydration to lead to more anxiety, so drinking water can actually be its own anxiety treatment.
• OTC Medicines Tums, peppermint, and Pepto-Bismol may also provide temporary relief for anxiety related nausea. They can be used for nausea that occurs on rare occasion, but should not be used by those that experience regular, persistent nausea from anxiety.

These are all quick strategies to reduce anxiety nausea. However, fighting anxiety is a long term issue. If you experience a great deal of anxiety at home, at work, at school, or in social situations, then you need to learn effective solutions for controlling that anxiety. Once your anxiety is controlled, the nausea will decrease.

A Natural Part of the Fight and Flight System

Anxiety is a natural response, and in small doses it's actually healthy. Some of the symptoms of anxiety - including nausea - are designed to tell your brain that there is something dangerous or new, so that you make a smart decision with your next action. Your brain releases the neurotransmitter serotonin, and your stomach has receptors for serotonin that cause your stomach to know that you're facing a distressing situation.

The problem only occurs when you are suffering from regular stress and anxiety. Then your anxiety nausea can disrupt your ability to perform at school, work, and in your personal life

3 Days of Anxiety

The day before the Adrenaline! a fuzzy feeling from head to toe, this has been here before? last week maybe, avoiding stress is like avoiding air! sitting in my room watching NetFlix but i find my self focusing on a part of the TV screen while the film plays in the background.
i notice a lot of fuss going on inside playing up shouting like a spoil'ed child in a toy store, trying to get his own way.
trying distractions but its just a motive that I'm trying to work on, to make sense to get me out the mess that is about to unravel. a cold shiver is starting to settle in all over my body, i turn to the heater and face it towards me but it's only warming the outside.
6pm starting to pace around my room with out me even realising I'm doing. my stomach starts to churn with butterfly's that are picking up speed as it spirals, i run to my medication, i hate taking these, starting to understand that its addiction, help has shrunk from them no relief, agitation is building up some and I'm about to loose it.

i fall over because I'm not concentrating on normal body function, stuck inside my mind.
Trying to get relaxed but the more i try the more adrenaline is taking over, shaking through my hands finding it hard to swallow, i reach for a cigarette even though i just put one out, i take more tablets trying to get them to knock me out but my anxiety is over powering them.
Trying to cry but its not coming out, my lump in my throat is getting bigger, time to try and sleep.

Day -2
I wake up in panic, shaking even worse than yesterday, thinking to my self this shall pass, but then i think it will last, beating my self up inside, hate against my self but i shouldn't.
no food today, i will just stick with water, antacids i get back in bed, thinking how much i hate my self and what my self is doing to Me! the TV is playing in the background while the quilt is over my whole body hiding from the world, ticking from my clock is relief as i know every tick is closer to this passing.
my partner trys to comfort me but i push her away, i fear i am not good enough for her.
i need a way out of this NOW!
Time is getting late, 9.50 pm. My day has consisted of nothing again, apart from aggro from my body
putting me through crap, or is it me putting me through crap? maybe my brain is just broke. Time to get some sleep, Boy I'm hungry, i reach for the box of antacids again, acid is burning me inside

Day-3
Waking up with a feeling of rage! its still here! getting my box of tablets taking an extra dosage.
my head is hurting like i am dehydrated, body is in pain and my chest hurts.
i talk to my heart and apologise to it, it feels like its going to give out.
My eyes are throbbing, my hands are sweating a cold chill, i get up while shaking, walking to the bathroom, i turn on the shower, my 2 kids and partner are fast a sleep, even my 2 dogs are looking relaxed, the feeling of joy that they all don't go through what I'm dealing with inside gives me a sense of relief. i take my time in the shower while holding my head, the steam opening my lungs.
i ponder on how much i feel like crap inside and out.
A voice i can hear inside that is telling me to give up, is that me saying that?
i get out the shower and dry my self, fresh clothes and fresh socks, i sit on the edge of the bed while lighting up another smoke, turn on my ps4 just looking at the screen, i see all the people i know on there playing games and doing live streams, i get invites but i ignore them. i lie back down and try to cry, my adrenaline is driving me crazy.
waiting for the hours to fly by but the only thing that is flying by is the bumblebees outside of my window. I look in the mirror and see all the weight that is coming off of me, my energy levels are making me sleepy, i need food but i can't eat, lets go back to sleep, sleep forever is all i have in mind at the time of chronic Anxiety.

Panic Attacks? Freaking out? Watch This Short Video and Calm Down

My introduction video, motivational speaker, face book to over 15000, pleased to meet you :)

My View on mental health

I think it is very upsetting that only the sufferers truly know, like as in a doctor, we go and see them and they read from a symptoms book, we get pushed tablets even though they don't diagnose.
help centers are slim around the world, some have no help?
but the government pile money in unnecessary pointless things
my point to one in the TV broadcasting industry i quote; why is there so many adverts about things that hurt us, like we have no money for, that brain washes us to aim for, that makes us loose our selves just to get? he gave me an answer? its money! they can't make money from mental illness so you will never see it as an "advert, well this saddens me as to why should we be classed as an item that

A man with Bi-pola

A man with Bi-pola, on any day given a split between angry, sad and unhinged but with his kind side that cares dearly, is ruined with the transition of  both sides swapping when it pleases.

the stress that whirls round on the outside effects us in ways not many understand, a silly conversation that hits the nerve, its hits the spot; That triggers Mr Bi-pola.
A burning feeling from the chest to the gut that manifests in our minds, frustration building, running a mock finding its way to our anger zone, blood boils in ways that a normal person cannot imagine.
A feeling of fear of what we may do, what Bi-pola will cause.

People judging our actions that we cannot control, a fear of a judge burning at our soul.
We wake up with out a choice, a choice of who we will be on that day that arise,
crying rivers but crying anger, a scared feeling of what we are after, with out control with out a choice, we try to manage us from that activation, just like a switch, a sense of humour that a "normal" person does simply not understand.

Some times we hide, hide from life and we try most of all to hide from our true selves, a transition that makes us overwhelmed. A task that is huge, a task that is great, a feeling like we take on the world. faces that look in the wrong way stays in our minds, a stress from another makes us blind, blind from the fact that the stress is there's , we struggle to understand that its not ours, we take on board everything that is said while taking parts out and placing them in our head, they don't understand what we may be, what we shall be on any given day. i maybe calm and show love, those days we all love.

our belongings are slim, with a slim chance that they may never be, we want whats best, but Bi-pola doesn't, it takes away our pride and takes away our belongings, we smash them and throw them, we sit and we cry, but the simplest understanding to leave us be is never near by, the interaction while facing transition is a combination of nasty language and manic actions, we think why not leave me be, leave me be so i can change, just like the weather we can go ether way, we fear our minds on that given day.

So on this day just leave me be, so i can find the door to me, me as in me that cares and loves, loves deeply and impossible to be carefree.

A man with Bi-pola.

The repetitive words of a sad mind

We get Tired of our minds, a mind that is burnt out, like an engine that's done too many miles

We tend to repeat this a lot, we say it over and over some times daily, sadly we tend to say it too much

a habit forms from the cluster of different ways of putting "I'm tired,

some fall and sadly lose to a manic world of illness.

This is because there isn't enough help out there for people like me or millions of other silent sufferers

Please make a difference, if you see some one in the street having a panic attack?, help them

if you see someone who has lost there way?, help them home.

ways of understanding one with mental illness is to research.

we get lost quite a lot, behind closed doors, unseen because we fear going out.

the fear of us not fitting in is at the front of our minds

unsettling thoughts that are stronger than a tree

if you see me or any other being, ask us if we are OK

it maybe a silent answer by giving a look

but we are there with the pain we carry

we search for answers we search for relief, but sometimes we miss the point as we are lost;

lost inside, trapped by bars

a mental prison is our home

just like a house is yours