He's still there!

The little guy? I know he is there, kicking around in my mind, kicking rocks because i wont come and play. i can here him sobbing over and over calling my name out as he gets further into his own payback. Me on the out side is getting by, trying to live life, my self is trying not to give it away, the slight fragment of such ideas of the little guy knowing I'm still struggling is turning into fear, fear of him knowing I'm trying rather than doing. 

i wake up to get washed and dressed as quick as i can to occupy my self before he wakes, he try's to talk in a kind grammar, a manner that try's to woo me in, entice me to his ways. maybe he is getting lonely in there, all alone? Wait what am i thinking? maybe this is a game that he has put together for me to fall for? fall for his ways to get me to bow at his knees, maybe i have figured out his plan.

I carry on with my day with slight frustration of him being there, some where, i search the cupboards for something to eat, something to fill my stomach, i yawn out loud with a slight laugh, laughing at my self because? because maybe i am enjoying life. the bigger picture of me being involved is more clear, a warm feeling in my chest, i pray to God to keep my strength up, to keep my willpower to not fall to the little guy, i know God is on my side, while i fill a bowl up with cereal i look at each peace and i wonder, i wonder how many peaces that would be contained inside my mind, i laugh to my self?I don't think i have a big enough bowl, a calm feeling is floating by, i see it like it is my own that descended from my mind through my chest, an array of wonderfulness, my smile grows ever larger. 

After my breakfast i saw my self running, so i decided to follow my thought? my idea? i put my trainers on to go outside, i reach for the door lock and my heart races, fear is upon me but i continue anyway. the sun is just above the housed across the street a bright orange colour with the sight freshness of the due that still lingered in the air, the birds where already busy, busy with there day collecting worms to take back for there young.I smile and suck up the feeling of being alive, while my heat still beats fast, humble but on the edge of anxiety, fear from being taken away from live for so long,this is something that i have to get used to, something that i have to learn again.

I walk as far as my legs will take me, on my travels i see many faces, some smile, some frown and some just look away, i wonder what they are thinking,i wonder if they have a little guy? a little guy that is like mine, a nasty little man that plays games when ever he pleased? i pray they don't i pray that no one does, suffering is more than a word to me! 

I look around and wonder where i am, i walked so far that i have got lost, a new place that i have never seen, it kind of feels a bit like me, a new state of mind? fear of where i was was growing, my comfort zone getting squashed, the uneasy feeling of not being able to stay calm and focused is at breaking point, i need to find my way back, as i walk further from where i stopped i stop again and take a look back, i compare it to where i landed in my mind, my state of manic " the little guy, i turn back round and walk but with a feeling of security that i can do this on my own, a happy cry that wants to break out of me to tell the world. 

I find my street and see my house. my legs trying to carry me, shaking and tired. i see my door, with my house number, but I'm scared to enter, the memories of what was, illness of a manic mind, the four walls i lived in for so long. i run to the front door with my fists clenched, i beat my palms on the window with a tear rolling down my cheek, the memories will haunt me forever.

The End