My CBD experience with solving my anxiety.....so far so good! 

A lonely old self who needs a friend!

Friends? i wish i had friends,,, popular? not really.
i wish i had the confidence to walk up to some one and make friends, to be that friend that everyone talks about in a good way!
i don't want to go though many years of hassle and nonsense due to the lack of loyalty of fake friends.

i want to have a phone with a phone book that is full, friends that i can trust and rely on when I'm in need of a bit of help?

but no i have none of that not even one friend that i can say that they are into being my friend and wanting to know me, i wish i could have a conversation to another instead of typing away on here.

to all who have friends?,,, i want you to be loyal to them, care about them and enjoy them! friends are hard to come by when you haven't the confidence to get out there or you have such conditions that hold you back etc.

hope all is well to who ever reads this, be well, and stay well!

Me and My own Bubble

Me? Me as in me like outer body me? or the me that is underneath? the sings are there for all to see!, but it takes one to know one, many, well i say most people struggle to see the signs of ones last hope to cast upon another? say a silent plea for help, a plea that is undetected by the illness, and when i say undetected i mean "the illness is clever, like its intelligent! first it strips down your humanity "YOU! then it takes away your freedom, then last of all it takes away your energy so its left with a defenceless mind to run a mock inside, run havoc with ones fears until it crumbles you up into tiny pieces.

a safe haven? well a safe haven to me "quote, with my type of mental illnesses is a place that is for me and me only, a place lets say a room, a room with a window and covering the windows are blinds and covering the blinds is a good old pair of black out curtains, in that room that is all mine is a nice sized TV, with Internet access so i can watch films or listen to relaxing music etc, also a comfy bed with a heavy quilt and deep soft pillows "just for my neck tension", it mite sound odd to some but to one side of the room running along one of the walls will be a settee "sofa" so i can relax on and listen to amazon prime audio books "kindle  etc, in full view must be a fish tank of some sort with mesmerising fish to watch, but the most important thing is a door! a door that locks the world out!
Things pile up! and boy they do! imagine a person with his arms out, fingers clamped tight in an orderly fashion slightly cupped, the first bunch of news papers fall into the arms? yes this is quite manageable, second bunch of news papers fall into the unfazed arms, a mind starts to doubt if it can keep up this weight for much longer, so there it begins! as you can imagine what the rest of that comparison would end up?

The world? yes its a busy place, but i see it as its only busy to a certain scope or view, zoom out a bit? well just imagine that you can fly to space and your on the ground? your looking out of the window of the rocket and you see people cars trucks all rushing around? all systems go! as your going up, further up into the clouds you starts to see that rush disappear, it gets that small it seems like it was never there, now that you have gone way out into space you turn? you look back at the earth and see a ball, perfectly round in its shape, a blue that is a colour that would never be matched, and all that movement and rush has gone? like it was never there. the energy of the earth is to view on its surface and in its atmosphere, this is how i compare my illness, you may be standing in front of me but you would never know

Hence "Me and my Bubble

Famous People With Serious Mental Disorders

35 Funny Photos Taken At The Right Moment Time Funny Videos 2016 Whatsapp

 



I uploaded this to here as its a good distraction, makes you laugh when your feeling down,

Relaxing is a luxury!..

Good old Relaxing, taking it easy just doing nothings well i have forgot what that is like? i have forgot how to relax, i spend most of my days just living a a fast pace, if its not on the inside the majority of it is moving at a fast pace inside, some days i will consist of 300miles of pacing up and down my house,

the lights go out and everyone gets sleepy but me? I'm ready to wake up, my body mysteriously finds some energy? I'm sure it has some sort of a reserve tank that activates when it knows I'm about to hit the hay!?
i start to search for something to do as i know its going to be a long nite, i turn to a novel that i am writing, i sit at my small desk, old in fact,with marks along the edges and front, names are inscribed on the desk, i saw it at a jumble sale at a school one day and wanted it. a small lamp shines down in a circle of light that is just enough for me to see,
the house is quiet, the hum of the fish tank is sounding its soft hum from room to room, the sound of my dogs sleeping keeps the silence occupied,

i here the odd car travel past, 2.20am, the tyres as they rest on the surface of the road make that familiar noise which is a comfort that I'm not alone in the night,

4 am, the sky is starting to present a blue tint to the darkness, a sign that the new day is coming, the uplift through out the day pushes the energy of life up that bit more than it was yesterday, the birds start to wake, flock by flock, louder and louder they chirp and sing, my eyes are starting to role my lips feel weak,the lack of energy is hitting me, the reassurance of the arrival of the new day has allowed my energy levels to deplete, the fear go to sleep, the level of reassurance has been met,

relax, my head is on the pillow, but it does not sink, tossing from cheek to cheek, no bloody sleep, the day has started in the home where i live, so there is no chance that i will relax

the end....

Its Sunday morning, 7.03am and everyone is still sleeping, the mumble of my daughters TV from her room stops the silence from over powering me, stops the thoughts that drive me crazy when all goes quiet.

i put the storage heater on, a shiver rolls down my body, me two dogs are sleeping ether side of me, chop the boxer is snoring, its quite funny in fact, the laptop is in front of me and I'm typing away to blogger, i suppose to distract me, stop my mind wondering off.

i will share with you my doggies :) s

Chop sleeping with his tongue out 

                                                            storm is sleeping to :)

The fuzz

The fuzz? the fuzz that takes your mind away, takes the conversation between 2 people, the annoying fuzz that distracts you from reality from a friendship, family etc, i quote emptiness of ones body and ones mind comes to thought a subject that is manifested in greed of the twisted mind of a manic illness that rages fear in ones body, the tremor that vibrates the body from a cry for help for the nervous system, acting as a blanket fear is wrapped around me, a tightness of ones chest each breath is like lifting a car with your lungs, a lump that is dry at the back of my throat, it makes me gag when i swallow, the voice in my head tells me a twisted thought followed by an image of a fragment of false reality parted together from thousands of past memories, clouded like fog, mist, the fuzz.

I try and pull my self together, trying to concentrate on a conversation, analysing each word in my head, distraction from the little guy inside, as i go over a word or two that little guy i quote grabs that thought of that word and chews it up like its a peace of food, that each word is a peace of food and he is eating them all up, Blank mind and a sole full of dread misery and fear, 

I seek the knowledge of this little guy that is behind the Fuzz, i seek his powers, his power to control my inner system of my brain, he has the ability to ruin my day, my life, takes me away from loved ones and friends, takes me away from my self, and the life we see in front of us is seen in fragments of a billion images per second, picking out all the wrongs and rights, judging and assessing, the enjoyment of life has more or less slipped away.

 that little guy and that fuzz

Its good while it lasts

i laugh, laugh at these games my mind plays, in charge dishing out demands and my life, consuming me into a role of brute and torment, the chances of a good stretch are slim, they seem to last but then out of the blue it comes, the dredged frame of mind, the mind that scares me, i fear it.

sweat roles down my forehead when the thought of that mind comes to mind, a sped up pace of heart rate and shortness of breath, a lonely corner in my home gets the great of my empty stare from time to time, the crazed thoughts bounce off of the inners of my head, driving me mad.

if you could see the speed of my mind? the speed that reminds one of the fast forwarding a movie people, voices,images all moving at a high rate and never seem to slow or stop.

the time i get when it finally slows and everything good comes back i finally "again have the last laugh, i know my mind has the power still inside to bring me back, back from the manic the crazed episodes of my life that brings me down, lower than low, sad with out anyone to have the power to comfort me,

i feel sad that this has happened, happening to me i feel low what my mind has put me through, has it made me stronger? from parts that i haven't talked about yet? yes but in other things i can say no! maybe one day i can smile and live in comfort, in my mind, in my life.

thanks again for reading, following, its a bumpy ride but on the way i shall find some happiness.