Hello guys, hope your all OK? its been a while since i have sat down with the laptop and done some blogging.

Well what can i say? my head is starting to go AWOL again, i think its because the winter is coming? i think i have developed the condition called SAD "seasonal anxiety disorder a fear of winter :(
to justify my happiness to my depression is at no option, i feel really down at the moment but no one knows it as they cant see it in my face, but when i look in the mirror i can tell,

my eating is gone way out the window, my body can't tolerate bloody anything, i have to watch what i eat as it makes me feel like crap, Wheat!!!! Milk!!!! Cheese!!! and Chocolate!!! and anything Dairy so basically i cant eat anything, its driving me mad as i want to eat what my family eats what everyone else eats!

My mood is edgy but in a crazy way, its rage that's trapped inside, that is boiling inside but on the outside you cant tell, my bi-polar is up and down, one day I'm OK the next I'm a mute just very quiet and dull then the next I'm at i cant be bothered attitude, i just wish that i can be a normal person that doesn't change moods like the weather,

My interests and Hobbies are inactive? "where the hell are they? I'm a 30yr old man who used to like getting oily with bikes and cars and even boats! but i sit at home just watching a film o just staring into space? i wish i could get back into it! My OCD is driving me crazy? crazy as in when a child is kicking your chair when your on a long flight constantly! i would like to know how my brain can think it can tell me stupid things involving my ocd! like no no you cant do that a its to yuk to touch or i cant do that you have no interest? if my brain? me? turned to hobbies maybe it would distract me from my ocd? my depression my bi-polar my anxiety even my ptsd? its strange to me why my mind doesn't choose the distraction as that would be the better idea instead of making me go through crap all the time.

Blogger :) my little place that i can come to! its like a wall that listens? i can get it all out on what ever is going on in my head on  what ever day i blog, i shall see you again in a day or two to update this conversation.

thanks for reading :)

Support Mental Health: https://www.gofundme.com/2ejc4v7cPlease make a D...

Support Mental Health: https://www.gofundme.com/2ejc4v7c

Please make a D...: https://www.gofundme.com/2ejc4v7c Please make a Donation, i need to raise money for the mental health charities and to continue with what ...

Living life on the edge with out the adrenaline!

Living life on the edge with out the adrenaline rush, always stuck in a frame of mind of wanting to push my self to that place, the place that my mind wants me to be, haunting me with its voices, calling my name, calling me to that place, willpower or what ever you want to call it is making me hold on by a thin thread and that thin thread is called life, i always look to find new ideas on how to want to be in life or ideas that will keep me occupied to keep me away from that bad place, the place i call hell, stuck in a frame of mind to push it to the edge, take it to its limits.

I say a prayer once or twice every week, keeping the faith that it will bring me hope and strength to continue, to be a good person, not to stay away from the world, i always do a good deep like hold a door open for the elderly or put mu litter in a bin, even help a poor animal that is in danger, but is there any one out there to help me? to keep me warm and dry, ease my crazy mind? i still to that day search for that, some times the world is a cold place to live on, people moving from place to place at a face rate, everyone has a place to be or people to see, but the ones that are struggling get left behind, like we don't pull our weight in society that we are a pain, a heavy weight that the government has to drag round, that we are useless to there aim.

i wonder if i will take a step away from all this live my life on the edge stuff, not caring about my self, not bothering with me, i just don't know, some time i don't know what to think or even if there is a decent thought left in my mind?

well now i have wrote another part to my story, my life its time to go away from here for another day and cry, cry out my emotions that has been forced to the surface because i have expressed my feelings. i will end that on a good note that i had a chance at another day, a chance to blog which is what i love doing, i hope you find me eccentric, unique to others.

the end.

https://www.gofundme.com/2ejc4v7c

Please make a Donation, i need to raise money for the mental health charities and to continue with what i do for mental illness my charity is based in the uk and here is the link to the page, http://www.mind.org.uk/ i aim to raise £9.500, and £500 for my self to get better treatment as i am now on the last resort my last cry for help, from the bottom of my heart i thank you dearly. much love!

Love your self, be all you can be, never give up, be strong, be willing , be able, be the king or queen, be happy with how you look, be happy with what you own, never fear anything never be a quitter, never back down, never show others your weak, never think your failing, work hard, be humble, be anything you want to be, be the dream, live live with no regrets, no looking back.

A Feeling of doubt

I doubt my self at least 50 times a day? i wonder if i am good enough for me? my self?
I look at others while I'm surrounded by friends, wondering what they are thinking, wondering if there normal inside there small but vast minds? 
I see the traffic at a stand still with people inside there metal boxes, trapped in frustration a road that is blocked by other metal boxes, at the very front is the problem that is the cause of the jam. 

i wonder if i will get better and remove the problem in front of the jam, the jam that is my problems. i conversate with my self with questions going back and forth, some pointless but some that have meaning, i go in and out of conversation on the out side to the inside, back and forth wasting my time, the time that i have been given, 

Am i a pointless excuse of a human being that walks the earth, thinking of pointless thoughts and acting upon them in a silly way, a way that my body reacts to, puts me through, some times i wonder why i am i here, what i need to do but the thought comes to mind that i am here to suffer mentally, a challenge to survive.

my head is a complex system that is designed to put me through hell, every  day of the week, torment and pain, tears and grief, i carry round a broken brain, a brain that is dis functional to life, from my self, crazy comes to mind, but other minds say that I'm not crazy but how can a normal mind think that I'm not crazy, i think that is a lie, a lie tailored to make me feel and think that I'm normal, fictional thoughts that seem real, a crazy realm that mocks me, mimics me and makes fun of me, a bully comes to mind.

the end.